Beauty from Ashes! Part 2

{If you have not read Part 1 click here and read it first}

I still tear up when I think back of how the Lord spoke to me 12 years ago. I was a broken, young girl, single mother, divorced, wretched soul, who did not know what she was going to do. All she wanted was to be and feel loved. That’s all she wanted and would she ever find it? Let’s find out…….

I was so excited after that beautiful day of Easter 2000. I remember telling my mom and telling my family, but they thought I was crazy {some still think I am -lol}!! I even called Michael he thought I was crazy as well. I was at church everyday of the week except for Wed. It was my home and the people were my family. We were very small back then and it was like my second home. I gleaned and learned as much as I could. My void was being filled to the top, to overflowing…..it was so overwhelming, in a good way. All I could do was love back. But I still had struggles and I still had the divorce to deal with. This part I hadn’t surrendered to the Lord. I wanted to have control of this part. He {my-ex/husband now} wasn’t going to get any control of this part of my life. I was in control of it and no one else, it was the only control I had. But God kept tugging at my part to surrender it to Him. It would take me three years to finally surrender. I remember I started to pray “God change my heart…change me Lord.” I remember talking to a friend and she had asked if I would ever get back with him and I said never..it would totally have to be God. It was just impossible to me.

God started doing a work in my heart shortly after that, He was changing my heart and little did I know what He was about to ask of me. He wanted me to ask Michael if he would join me and our daughter to an amusement park. I had an extra ticket and it was Christmas, it was the least I could do. It was Christmas time and I’m sure our daughter wanted us together. Me and Michael hardly spoke to eachother it was just akward. Michael had wanted 50-50 custody of her,  because I had full custody of our daughter. I told him No everytime, I wrestled with this for awhile, and that would mean I lose control. And one day the Lord started to tug on my heart and He said…..give him 50-50.  I struggled and fought with the Lord and I finally surrendered it to Him. And so after the Amusement park we went to eat and that is when I told him I would give him 50-50. But something was happening in my heart, that I wasn’t fully aware of. When I told Michael that I was giving him 50-50 I saw the joy in his eyes and on his face.  My hardened cement heart…..began to break, peices began to chip away, it was softening. What was going on with me I thought? I could not control it and I don’t think I wanted to. Because love was filling that part of my heart that I kept hidden and locked for so long.  I was very good at blocking out certain things in my life and having no feelings or emotions for my divorce. I never grieved it, I never thought about it, I just tucked it back way deep, deep, deep in my heart and put bolt locks on it, and so many other locks on it. No one could get in. It was too never be open because I had control over this door

I had finally let go of what God had wanted me too. He wanted full access to my heart. And I gave it to Him. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I remember there was a day where I just cried over my divorce and all that I did. I asked God for forgiveness…..I did not know what was going on with my heart. But I could feel the cement peices chipping away. God whispered something to me again….”Ask Michael Back for a second chance”. My flesh started to puff up I just gave him back 50-50 now this. I said back with shock…”Are You crazy God?” {exact words}, I said ” Did You forget what we went through in our divorce?”. Did you forget all those hurtful things he did, Did You forget Lord!!!!Did you forget how ugly our divorce was, Did you forget how much I hate this man and how much he hates me” I just gave him the last bit of control I had and you want me to do what? At first I was angry. But my heart God was changing. Deep, deep down inside I wanted it…..I wanted my family back. But my pride kept getting in the way.

God so gently whispered to me ” My daughter I want this, I want to take it from you won’t you give me the key? Lord, I can’t….it hurts too much Lord. What if, what will happen, I can’t Lord, I can’t. God gently and so lovingly whispered to me Trust me…..trust me my daughter. And I began to weep, and weep uncontrollably. And then I gave him the key and He wiped it all clean. I cried and cried and surrendered. My heart was soft again…..The words walk by faith not by sight, walk by faith not by sight kept going over and over in my head. Trust me……..trust me

And so I did, a week later in December of 2002 I made a phone call to Michael. I was so very nervous and didn’t know what I was going to say. So I asked him to meet me for lunch. I wrestled with it for awhile, all these thoughts were running through my head. Would he accept what I’d have to say. Woudl he think I’m crazy. So we met and he got straight to it, why did you call me here and so I asked him ” I want to ask you for a second chance?” I want to ask you back? The look of shock crossed his face. Oh no, what is he going to say. Oh my goodness what did I just do? Those seconds of silence seemed like an eternity. He had thought I was going to tell him I was getting married or I was pregnant. He didn’t expect what I had just said. What is Michael going to say???

To be continued…..I don’t mean to keep you in suspense but this is where I must stop. Come back soon for part 3.

Thank you for stopping by. I pray that my testimony will minister to you. Would you surrender all to God, all of what He is asking of you. Do it, you will blessed beyond measure I promise.


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