Beauty from Ashes! Part 1 & its our Anniversary ~04/13/2003

This is the most recent March 2012
    Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
Mark 10:27

Today the Lord has blessed me with 9 years of re-marriage to my amazing husband. Yes, I said remarriage. With God all things are possible, even my broken marriage some 9.5 years ago.

I will be sharing with you, as the Lord leads, my journey of faith and hope, my walk, my ups my downs and all arounds.

Part One of God’s story for me….

It was a hot summer day in July of 1996, me and my best friend Dede were getting ready to go on a double date. I remember telling myself this is the last double date, I’m done. My guy friend at the time invited us out on a double date with his friend from out of town. My friend was to be meeting his friend, who was here on leave {vacation} from the army. Me and my guy friend were just going to hang out, I did not like him that way. But when my eyes first set them on Michael {my friends friend – who was to be the blind date for my friend}…..I was in love. We picked up my friend and off we went. At the end of night I asked my friend, “so what you think of him {hoping and praying she didn’t like him”}. She said “oh he is so not my type”. I was jumping with joy inside! So that night, after they dropped us off, I called my guy friend and asked for another date with Michael, but with just me this time.

I was only 17, barely going to be 18, Michael had just turned 23. My whole family had just moved out here from California to Vegas, just one year before. All 10 of us were cramped in a 2 bedroom condo {apartment}. At this point in my life I was ready to move out and settle down{I know so young – but I had to grow up quick when I was younger}.  I spent every waking hour with Michael while he was here on leave. And by the time he had to go back we had talked about marriage.

Little did this young girl know that she was going to embark on something that would be so foreign to her and would change her life forever. I finally turned 18 the next month, and Michael was making numerous trips out here from California. After doing this for 7 months we had decided to go down to the Little White Wedding chapel and get “hitched”, so on March 30th, 1997 we did. We also decided that if it didn’t work out we would get a divorce. I really don’t think I knew what divorce was anyway. And we got “hitched”, I called my mom on the phone…..”Mom…. I just got married!!!!” mom replied “WHAT!!!!” Dad wasn’t to happy about it either. This was the thing in vegas to do, you come here to get “hitched”. But what did I care I was married and I knew that this hunk was going to love me forever and ever, at least, so I thought. I thought for sure he was now going to fill my empty void in my heart that I have been searching for all my life.

There was alot more to his story and being so young I didn’t care I was young and in love. Two months go by after our marriage and I find out I’m going to be expecting and only a few weeks pregnant. I am delighted with excitement, but so scared all at the same time. I was only 18, brand new adult, brand new wife and now a soon to be brand new mother. Did I do the right thing, what did I get myself into???? Yes, this man loves me and I love him and thats all that mattered. But will my empty void be filled?

Nine{9} months later our baby girl is born, I thought for sure she is what is going to fill my empty void in me. That longing for someone to just love me, for me. I thought marriage was going to do that but I soon found out it didn’t. He failed me so many times, and I failed him so many times. We began hurting each other with words. So, I thought for sure this sweet baby girl would bring me joy, would she fill that empty void that my husband could not fill? But will my empty void be filled?

I soon found out that she definitly filled my love tank, not my void, but I was still missing something. That empty void was still there. The emptyness, the longing for something more. Our marriage was very rocky and unstable. It was spinning out of control and fast. I didn’t know what I was doing, yet alone be a wife and mother. I was barely 19 at this point. And a year and a half later, many many tears shed, many fights fought, many battles. I began to search to fill my empty void and I tried to fill that empty void in ways I swore I would never do. I was unfaithful to my husband………

I thought this would fill that empty void, but it didn’t. It made things worse and made things complicated and what did I just do?!!! What have I become, this was not supposed to happen.  Can I please, please take it back. No. A couple months later I leave, divorce papers are filed against me. I’m 21 and what has become of my life. I ruined it, I ruined my family. I’m feeling more empty now more then ever. And my empty void is still there, will it ever be filled. I was sooo broken, nothing I knew at this point could possibly fill that void. It was useless, and I thought I was worthless and I was done with life. Nothing mattered anymore. So I tried filling that empty void with other wordly things. Nothing is filling this void inside of me. Nothing. I had no hope, I was stressed from the divorce, I was so angry with myself of how it turned out. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. What was I going to do and who was I going to turn to? And will my void ever be filled?

Until one day…..a few months after the divorce is final,  I come back to my desk and found this book on my chair, someone had left me a bible. And to this day I still do not know who gave it to me. I had read it when I was younger, maybe like 8.I had gone to church from an infant to about 10 years of age. I had heard of Jesus, but who was He really? I know it was Jesus that landed that book there. I started reading it and didn’t know what I was reading. I started with Genesis the first book, that’s how you read books with the first chapter….and put it right back down these people were worse than I was. I was not finding hope here. Someone told me to read John first…..and that’s when I read about Jesus, a Savior who would remove all my sins and love me for me.

I started searching for a church in the begining of 2000. I went to all kinds of differnt churches. I could not find one I liked. So I prayed and I didn’t know what I was praying for. I just said “God which church do you want me to go to? because these churchs are just a little weird.” This is my last attempt and I’m done searching. So I opened up the phone book found the last 2 churches in Henderson that I hadn’t tried, and I had already gone to a baptist church so I decided to try out Calvary Chapel. It had a nice ring to it, and I had never been to one yet. My best friend had told me she goes to one in California. So I said that’s the one. And on Easter of 2000, the Lord spoke to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but that’s what He was doing. But how did the Pastor know all that I was going through. How did he know me, he was telling my story. God knew me and God used him that day to speak to me. At the end of that service he did an altar call, and I raised my hand and accepted Jesus in my heart. I did many more times after that too, just to make sure I was saved. LOL. I was hesistant, I didn’t know what I was getting myslef into. But I wanted this Jesus he was talking about. I wanted to be loved unconditionally. I think this guy is going to fill my void, I feel parts of it being filled already. And I have been there for the past 12 years now…..

To Be Continued…….

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6 thoughts on “Beauty from Ashes! Part 1 & its our Anniversary ~04/13/2003

  1. Thank you for stopping by. I absolutly am praising God as well for your testimony. I found your site from WLW. I felt a connection to you right away. We've come from brokeness and we are His testimonies that He can bring beauty from our ashes! Thank you for sharing your testimony, it was so encouraging to me. God Bless you

  2. Such an awesome thing! I have tremendous amounts of respect for you and for the others out there who are willing to fight for marriage even when it all seems hopeless. I've had to learn so much from my marriage… mostly about how selfish and prideful I can be. I haven't yet been bold enough to share some of the details of my marriage, but we have had some major struggles, but God is blessing us and giving us the strength to forgive and to make it work so that we can glorify Him through it. Congrats on your 9 years… hope there are many more to come!

  3. Awe thank you Stacey, God has used my testimony to minister and help other struggling marriages. It has been such a blessing to be able to do that. I have been wanting to share for some time. I was just waiting on the Lord to direct it. I pray the if one marriage can be saved from my testimony then it was all worth it! thanks for stopping by!

  4. I just wanted to leave an encouraging comment 🙂 Your testimony is beautiful, God has been so faithful in His healing of your family! And its such a blessing for the next generation to hear. Thank you for being willing to embrace the littler sisters/daughters you have in your midst 🙂 I can't believe that you were my age when you met Michael, and were having a baby by the time you were eighteen. I'll be 18 in July, so its just crazy to consider. I can't speak for all the teenage generation, but I know that this really encourages me. You're opening your testimony up to a generation that is about to make big decisions like that. That needs to commit to and learn how to guard their hearts as for the Lord, decide what they're going to do and where they're going to go and how they're going to use the new found freedom that comes from growing older. And often its scary and often you don't want to do the right thing. That guy comes along and you don't want to say no to him. That opportunity that is contrary to God's will and you don't want to say no. You've got to be wiser than you really are in driving, in money, in school work, in friends. Its a constant battle between flesh and Spirit (not that that changes at all when you get older lol), but the conflictions can often become so confusing. I am blessed to know so many older women that love the Lord deeply and share my heart for Him, but you look out to find that in your own generation, and it isn’t so easy to find. And then, sometimes the older generation looks down on younger generation, like because I’m 17 I can’t love Him as much as they do. And I know, I have so much to learn, but because I’m 17 they aren’t so willing to open up and share the insight, wisdom, and counsel that I so desperately need from someone whose older and has gone through what I have to go through now. So your testimony is like a beacon of hope. It gives us steadfastness to understand why we need to be so critical and careful in guarding our hearts and waiting for God’s timing and God’s way, especially in the matters of love, as well as shows that even when we fall, God is grace and love enough to not only cover all our shortcomings, but to use it for good.I just wanted to say thank you so much 🙂 And to encourage those who are the generation before us, who act as our older sisters, mothers, counselors, mentors, to reach out and accept a mentoring role in our lives. Even when God has gifted an abiding teen with a great set of parents who can counsel them and exult with them in the Lord, they still enjoy aunts and more older sisters and cousins 🙂 (this might be more of a girl thing than a guy thing lol). I just know that personally one of my favorite FAVORITE things is to sit at the feet one who has been walking longer than I have and just talk to me about the things of the Lord. To counsel with me, speak of their past, empathize with me, pray with me, share God’s burden for something with me (like the lost, orphaned, etc). You all have so much wisdom and encouragement to share! So at the Lord’s leading, if He does put a teenager who is actively seeking more of the Lord in a surrendered relationship, don’t be afraid to reach out. 🙂 Its not even that we’ll come to you daily, God may only put you in the path of a hurting teen once. But taking that time and ministering to us makes ALL the difference, and establishes the confidence for us to come to you again in need or simply for some edifying conversation. Thank you, Ms. Adrienne. I look in on your blog as well as am touched by Him through you quite often. Thank you so much for allowing God to use you and for taking such an active role in my life. 🙂 God’s blessings upon you!! Lifting up all the parent, child relationships. ❤ Whether by biological family or Christ's family. We praise God for you all everyday! Much love, Cydnee.

  5. Oh Cydnee…my sweet precious sister. I love you, beyond words that can express that. You might be 17, but you have encouraged me in more ways than you know. thank you for this sweet comment, it is very humbling. I pray that if my testimony can help just 1 person than it was all worth it. Whenever you need to talk or glean just let me know. I can only share with you what God has done in my life. I pray that He continues to use you so mightly. You are a rare jewel, You are God's jewel. Continue to shine for Jesus, continue to encourage me. Age has nothing to do with it, it's our walk and what we believe. I love your zeal for the Lord, it is contagious and it keeps me a float to want to continue to have that zeal and not get stale. I love you sweetie! May God bless you beyond measure. ok, you so had me in tears..I am so humbled! love you!

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